I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
