Michael Bay diarrhea
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
