the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Randomize
