haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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