Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
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