you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
