i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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