Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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