I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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