I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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