Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
