I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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