i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
