Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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