And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Randomize
