I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
