he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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