Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
