I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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