i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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