I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
