I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
