two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
