I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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