if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
