well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
