I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
