Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
