4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
