plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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