Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
