Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
