Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
