I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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