saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
tequila makes me forget i have legs
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
