I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
