If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
