i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
