I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
