why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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