Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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