I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
