Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
