I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
