My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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