So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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