what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
