i think i have two assholes
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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