We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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