my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
