when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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